The Past Is Who You Are And Who You Always Will Be
by AnnieFiveStar
Summary: Amanda's past catches up with her and not in a good way.
1. Chapter 1

Hey Guys! I own nothing, obviously.

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This is New York City. Its crazy and violent, yet at the same time beautiful and calming. I work to stop the craziness, the crime. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. But everyday I fight not to become one of them and I never have until today.

I walked into the station with my jacket zipped up to protect against the bitter New York winter. Partly to protect against the cold and partly to hide my secret. As I entered the squad room I felt an eerie calm wash over me, replacing the anxious feeling I was having before. I felt as if I was standing outside my body, watching everything.

I heard a voice in my head, "Go ahead. Do it!" I looked around and saw Mel, Alex and Casey probably here to get updated on the case. I greeted them warmly. I was surprised at how calm I sounded, considering everything.

My gun holster was already unbuttoned, giving me quick access to my gun. Liv came up to me to brief me on the case. I couldn't hear her. I just watched her jaw move up and down. The captain then came up, probably to ask about the case. I heard the voice again, "Do it now, Rollins. You know what'll happen if you don't." I knew what I had to do.

I was brought back to reality when captain snapped his fingers in front of me.

"Rollins?" He questioned, a concerned look on his face.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"For this." I pulled my gun out of the holster and busted three caps in the ceiling. Before anyone could react I pulled Liv into a headlock and pushed the muzzle of my gun against her head.

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Reviews make me dance. 10 reviews for next chapter. Suggestions always welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

Again I own nothing. :(

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The next thing I know every gun is pointed at me.

" Rollins? Amanda, what are you doing? Come on, put down the gun. Lets talk about this."The captain said in a calm voice.

"Sorry, Cap. No can do. I want this floor cleared out in the next 2 minutes, or I swear to god I'll decorate the wall with her brains." I pushed the gun further against her head.

"Amanda-"Captain tried to reason with me.

"Now!" I shouted.

"Okay. Jenkins ,come here."Slowly he approached the captain with his gun drawn, watching my every move. They spoke in low whispers but I could hear.

"Clear the building and call S.W.A.T." Jenkins nodded in the affirmative. The captain straightened up.

"Okay, Rollins. They're leaving."

"Oh,hell no. I'm not goin' anywhere." Fin said from his position behind a table.

"Me either." Amaro piped.

"We're staying too."Mel said, speaking for herself, Casey and Alex.

" We're gonna figure this shit out, Amanda."

" Are you all insane?" Jenkins said his gun never moving from his target. Me.

"No. We 're family this is the kinda shit we do." Fin replied.

"Fine,but no more!Leave! You have 45 seconds."Within seconds everyone but my squad was gone.

" Amanda, why are you doing this?" Liv asked timidly from my vice grip.

"Shut up."I didn't want them trying to talk me down.

"I want you all to drop the clip and the round in the chamber." The boys followed my orders quickly.

"Okay...um...In the media room!"They all went into the room. I followed with Liv still in my grip.

"Empty your pockets. Turn them inside out. Take off your jackets, shoes and socks." Everyone did as I said even though they were slightly hesitant.

"What now, Rollins?"Nick asked with a slight attitude.

I needed them cuffed to the chairs. I picked Fin to do it, since I knew he wouldn't hurt me. After everyone was cuffed to the chairs I relieved Liv of her gun. I made her go through the same process as the others. After I cuffed her I cleared everything from the table and threw it in the trash. I opened a drawer and pulled out the duct tape. I went around the table and taped their other hand to the armrest. When I was done I went next to the door.

"Don't try any crap. You've all seen me on the range." With that I left and grabbed my duffle bag from under my desk. I was quickly back in the media room.

It was silent when I got in there. All eyes were on me.

"Amanda, what are you doing? What's going on?" This time it was Liv.

"I can't tell you." I said distractedly. I was running through what I need to do in my head. I heard the voice again. "Complete your mission, Rollins!"

"Dammit, Rollins! What is going on? Tell us so we can help you!" Nick pleaded, struggling against the restraints.

"I have to secure the room." I tried to move the chest of drawers but it was to heavy. I took everything out and it became much lighter. I stacked two bureaus in front of the door that lead to the captains office. After I got them stacked I put everything back in to make them heavy. I broke off the cabinet panels and used them to block the windows. Using the nail gun I took out of my bag, I nailed the window shut. I wasn't getting taken out by a sniper.

Once I was done I went back to the front of the room. I was trying to figure out my next step. I looked at the squad. They had so many questions in their eyes.I felt like I was breaking.I sat down on the table under the TV.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant for it to get this far. I never meant for any of you to get caught up in this." I said burying my head in my hands. I finished on a whisper. "I'm sorry."

"We can still walk outta here, Amanda. Just let us in. Let us know what we can do." Alex begged.

"I wish I could. I really wish I could, but I walk out there and I'm dead. I have to complete my mission." Before anybody had time to try to talk me down further, I unzipped my jacket and let it drop.

A collective gasp was heard throughout the room. I had done it. I released part of my secret.

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I know I said 10 reviews but I just wanted to make sure I had readers. Reviews are love. I'll post again soon.


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